Today, I'm 23

Today, I’m 23. I’m usually not one for reminiscing on time passed since last birthdays, but I'm gonna make an exception.

A year ago tomorrow, I received my last graduate school rejection letter, this one from UCLA. I wasn’t surprised since I didn’t even get into what I thought was my safety school, but was understandably disappointed. Four months, one appeal and countless persistent phone calls later, I found out I was granted admission to UCLA while on board a yacht off the Galapagos Islands.

In the past year, I graduated college, had my heart broken, got into grad school, traveled to South America, left the best job I’ve ever had and moved to Los Angeles.

Damn.

In the past year, I've stood at the metaphorical fork in the road, anxiously waiting for a reason to choose one path over the other. Soon after my excitement of being admitted to UCLA passed, a feeling of trepidation came over me. As exciting as this new chapter was going to be, I found myself caught between resisting change and embracing it. Leaving the home and work and friends and LIFE I knew to venture into this unknown new life was daunting, but ultimately necessary.

In the past year, I've learned a lot about myself, the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be. I've realized that it takes losing something you desperately wanted to discover how far you’re willing to push yourself to get it. I've realized that lying to yourself about how you feel about someone isn't fair to either one of you. I've also realized that it’s damn near to impossible to have a social life when you’re in grad school.

So today, I’m 23, and looking forward to everything this next year has to offer.

Now What?

I realize I've been neglecting my blog for some time now, and according to my Google Analytics account, people have actually been consistently stopping by (I know, weird right?) so I thought I might indulge the few readers I've got (hi mom!) and give an update:

I graduated from college about a month and a half ago. It feels really strange to say I've graduated, let alone over six weeks ago. Honestly, besides not attending classes everyday or studying for tests, it doesn't feel much different - I feel like I'm on an extended vacation in which I work everyday (not too sure what kind of vacations I've been on).

In the last couple of months, I've come realize that not everything I plan for is going to happen. Since I can remember, my future plans have always followed a natural progression - elementary school, middle school, high school, college; I've always known my next step. For the first time in my life, I can't tell you where I'll be in a year. Or half a year. Or even in a few months. I'm playing the waiting game.

And to be honest, it's a little scary.

And to be even more honest, it's a little exhilarating.

Yes, my future is up in the air right now, and waiting for a decision on my grad school admissions appeal is daunting, but at this moment, there's nothing I can do to expedite the process. Maybe I'll find out today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe a week or month from now (but hopefully not that long).

Maybe I'll go to grad school in the fall. Maybe I'll have to reapply next year. No matter what the decision is, I have a really good feeling that everything's going to work itself out. Why worry about something you ultimately have little control over? I've decided to live in the now. And the now is pretty damn good.

What If?

It seems like a lot of people I know have been asking an unusual amount of "what if" questions lately.

Which got me to thinking.

The way I see it, there are two types of "what if" questions: the kind that spark our curiosity and lead us to discover things we never thought possible. The kind of "what if" questions that Thomas Edison and Steve Jobs asked. The kind that make us think outside the box.

And then there's the other kind.

The kind that cause us to doubt our decisions and self-sabotage. Unfortunately, this is the type of "what if" question I've been hearing a lot these days.

"What if my relationship doesn't last?"
"What if I don't get into my top choice?"
"What if I can't do it?"

I'd be lying if I said I've never hesitated before making a decision, much less an important one. I mean, that's normal. I might even go so far as to say it's RECOMMENDED. The problem arises when we let our uncertainty overpower us because of our fear of failure. After all, if you never jump you'll never fall, right?

But what's the fun in that?

The worst that could happen is, yeah, turns out you weren't meant to be with someone, or you don't get into the school of your choice or you don't succeed. Sometimes things don't happen the way we want them to. But, on the bright side, you can say you TRIED. You put yourself out on a limb, knowing full well that it might break, and that's something to be proud of. Congrats to you! And hopefully even if it does break, it won't stop you from trying again. And again. And again.

Journey once told me "don't stop believing." I think they might have been on to something.