To My Friends and Family

Happy New Year everyone!

As the new year begins, most people reflect on the past year and resolve to improve certain aspects of their lives in the coming year. Some of the most popular new year's resolutions include:

- Spending more time with family
- Exercise more
- Lose weight
- Quit smoking
- Enjoy life more
- Quit drinking
- Get out of debt
- Learn something new
- Help others
- Get organized

(source: http://pittsburgh.about.com/od/holidays/tp/resolutions.htm)

While these are all good resolutions, and I admit to using some of them in previous years, this year I decided to really, REALLY think about one thing that I would like to improve upon, and while I was in the shower, it came to me. It's really a two part resolution, but they are definitely interconnected.

Resolution Part One: Stop Spending Time With the Wrong People

This is a problem I didn't even know I had until a few days ago. I started to realize that I often go out of my way to allocate time for people who are either too busy to make time for me or don't value the time they have with me in the first place. I read somewhere that if someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you, and you shouldn't have to fight for a spot, which is something I completely agree with. If the people you make an effort to spend time with don't reciprocate, then they probably don't deserve it.

Which brings me to the next part of my resolution.

Resolution Part Two: Start Spending Time With the Right People

Low and behold, this is also a big problem for me, but not one I wasn't already aware of. I'm terrible (like, terribly terrible) at making time for the people in my life that really matter, which is ridiculous. Why wouldn't I make time for people who I genuinely enjoying spending time with, who love and appreciate me and always push me to do things that I'm passionate about? People who pick me up when I'm not feeling my best or stick with me even when I'm being a pain?

These people are the ones who make us feel more alive, and not only accept who we are now but also who we want to be, unconditionally. These are the people who are really deserving of our time, so why is it so hard for us to give it to them?

I think the main reason is because we get so caught up in everything that is happening in our lives that the genuinely important things get lost in the shuffle, which is an unfortunate but often true fact.

With that being said, friends and family, I resolve to make more time for you because you are the ones that really deserve it.

"I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar."

                                                                    - Robert Brault

Identify the Why and the How Will Be Easier

Assistant professor Julia Belyavsky Bayuk is in the department of business administration at the University of Delaware, and her recent research was published in theJournal of Consumer Research. But though she was presumably researching consumer behavior (i.e. saving money), her findings have implications for the success of our annual ritual failure, the New Year's Resolution.

What Bayuk's research found was that when it comes to reaching goals, we're better off keeping our eye on the "why" rather than the "how."

While common wisdom tells us that we should plan the work and work the plan, what this appears to do is narrow our vision to only one route to success--The Plan--blinding us to other possible means to the end.


So, how does that apply to introvert life?

I'd been mulling a New Year's post a while, thinking about resolutions that might be appropriate here. Of course, the overall goal is to live our lives with integrity, to be true to ourselves.

That can come with a lot of sub-resolutions: I resolve not to let others guilt me into doing things they enjoy but that sound like hell to me. I resolve to assert my right to keep my mouth shut when I feel like it. I resolve not to drink myself loud when what I really want is just to go home and be quiet.

OK. So consider Bayuk's research and we'll come at it from another direction. If the "why" is that we want to be true to ourselves, then we have to push back against outside forces that insist we be true to their perception of who we must be. You know: family, friends, even those counterproductive voices in our heads that tell us that our way is wrong.

So keeping our overarching "why" in mind, let's also drill down to some case-by-case whys--persuasive arguments to use with yourself when your resolve weakens.

Skipping parties you don't want to attend.
Why?

Because parties are supposed to be fun, and if you don't have fun and have no other compelling reason to make an appearance, then there is no point in going.

When you do go to parties, leaving when you want, even if others consider it "too early."
Why?

Because you've had all of that kind of fun you need. Because you've spoken to everyone you want to and feel you've done the job. Because you're sleepy. Because you would prefer not to drink anymore. Because you don't want to witness drunken friends behaving badly.

Letting the phone go to voice mail whenever you want.
Why?

Because you're doing something and don't want to be interrupted. Because you're not in the mood. Because if it's important they'll leave a message, text, or e-mail. Because nobody has the right to disrupt your day.

Staying centered and calm when people try to bully you into being who they think you should be.
Why?

Because they don't know what it's like to be you. Because you don't need anyone's approval to be who you are. Because insisting you be someone you are not is inappropriate, and it's polite to ignore them, just as you would any other social gaffe.

You get the drift. We all have situations where we know what we want to do and more or less how to do it, but get lost trying to justify it in the face of social pressure--in the arguments others present to support their whys.

You can resolve all you want, but resolutions without clear motivation go nowhere. Identify the whys and the hows should follow.